- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure, what’s up?
- And I’m only asking because I need a generally impartial third party.
- Ok, thanks… I think.
- What is your exit strategy? Like, if things in your life don’t work out.
- I’m not sure what you mean. Like, if I lost my job or something?
- No, your whole life. What if you looked back and were like “Fuck” and didn’t really see a way to go forward?
- Uh, I dunno, I never really thought about it. Figure it out, I guess? I don’t feel like I’ve lived long enough to really make an accurate assessment. It hasn’t been my “whole life” yet.
- Ah. I suppose that’s true.
- What prompted you to ask? That’s kind of a weird question. “Exit strategy”?
- I dunno, I’ve always had one. I just figured I’d keep going on giving it my best shot and if it didn’t go so well I’d just check out.
- “Check out”? Like what, kill yourself?
- Maybe, or just disappear, but I think that’s the “I can’t decide if I should kill myself or not” choice.
- No offence, but that’s pretty nihilistic and morbid.
- Why? To me it’s kind of naive to think that everyone is working on the same timeline. Some people come to the end of their run sooner than others.
- Yeah, sure, I guess, but isn’t part of the human condition never knowing when that end is?
- I suppose, but if that’s the case wouldn’t it be empowering to know, to take that responsibility and action for yourself?
- No, it would be short-sighted because you don’t really know what the future holds.
- Yeah, but that could just not matter. What if you felt, sincerely and honestly, that you gave it everything you had? You used up all your effort, and strength, and good, and talent, and came to a point where you felt that the world just didn’t have a place for you anymore. You don’t feel bad about it, per se. You’ve been a generally good person, made your mistakes, but always did your best to help people and now it’s time to bow out.
- You keep saying “you” but I think you mean “I”.
- Not exactly, it’s more complicated than that, but sure, I’ll use “I” if it makes you feel more comfortable.
- It’s not an issue of comfort. If you’re going to wax philosophical about killing yourself you might as well be honest about it.
- Fine. Yes. “I” feel like “I’ve” done my best and put up a pretty good fight so far but “I’ve” never been in a hole this deep before and it seems like a good a time as ever to go with “Plan B”. I’ve done right by most people in my life, and now it’s time to do right by me.
- So, what you’re saying is “Things are bad now and even though I can’t see an immediate way out, or the future at all, I’m going to just cash in my chips and wash my hands of it all.”? Seems selfish and cowardly and short-sighted to me.
- Selfish, sure, I’ll agree it’s probably the most selfish possible act. Short-sighted? I guess, but the future is irrelevant once you’re dead. Cowardly I have to disagree with. It may seem that way if you’ve never considered it as an option, but it’s not.
- Running away is the act of a coward. It's not even "Those who fight and run away live to fight another day." it's just "Fight and run away."
- Listen, I’m not going to go into trying to justify my experience to you. The things that weigh on your mind, the things that trouble you, that affect, and hurt, and wear you down aren’t the same as mine. All I know is that I’m sick of living with mine.
- So fucking change them then. What it sounds like to me is that you let you life get out of fucking control, out of YOUR control, so now you’re looking at the ultimate act of control over your own life, taking it away.
- Wouldn’t that be “taking my fate into my own hands”?
- Would you cut the existential bullshit? Fine, your life is all misery, and pain, and struggle, and suffering , and it sucks and you never show that to anyone. You spent all your time helping others to the detriment of your own life because that’s what’s in you to do. You’re a goddamn saint and you gave it all you had and there’s nothing left so your only option is to kill yourself to spare the world and yourself the remainder of what is now a meaningless existence. Join the fucking club. Welcome to being self aware. Welcome to understanding the world and not living in blissful ignorance. Welcome to being a fucking human being.
- I’m no saint, but what’s the point of pleading? What’s the point of keeping up with it all? I filled my quota of good and now I’m fucked. Flat out. It’s not that I don’t see everything around me, it’s not that I don’t understand having more than what other people do, having some kind of bullshit privilege. It’s not that I don’t see opportunity, that I don’t understand advantages I’ve been given, or that my life, by outside comparison, isn’t as “bad” as others, but NONE of that matters when weighed against what is in my head. You can’t argue someone’s experience, and mine has told me that doing good DOESN’T get rewarded. That there is no balance between being selfless and selfish. That even if you could have everything, you can still be empty. That you can compare my life to any of the other 7 billion people on this Earth but NONE of them have had my experience, and by virtue of being an individual, feel how I feel.
- Jesus, do you hear yourself? What a bunch of emo rhetoric bullshit. “No one feels how I feel!” Sure, I’ll bite, your life has been run into the ground and it all seems like the same shit over and over again. And because I know you, I know that you feel like life does not have intrinsic value and, fuck, I even agree with you that not everyone is destined, for lack of a better word, to live to a ripe old age. Sure, everyone’s path is a different length, but cutting a hard left and jumping off of it and over a cliff accomplishes NOTHING other than leaving all the people around you miserable and questioning. Congratulations, all your help and love and accomplishments are void because even if you left a fucking TOME of explanation, it would shadow every other act you’ve ever taken.
- Don’t think I haven’t thought of that. The affect on others is what keeping it on the “selfish” side in my mind, but the great thing about being dead is that it’s not really a consideration any more. It’s a binary decision and more and more it just seems like it’s worth the peace of mind it offers.
- So why even talk about it? Why not just do it?
- For the same reason you mentioned above, because the future is unknowable. Because I can’t decide if it’s the right thing to do. And probably also because I have a morbid curiosity about how much misery and suffering a person can take. Suicide is the “always there” option, it’s not like it’s going anywhere, that’s why it’s my exit strategy. It’s a constant in all things. So, in the meantime I suppose I’ll see how bad the road actually gets.
- So your life is currently devoted to seeing how shitty things can get, in your own life, before calling it quits?
- I guess, I mean, I try to do what I’m supposed to be doing and seeing if things will change, but it doesn’t seem likely. Some people just aren’t long for this world and I feel like I’m one of them.
- You are fucked up, get help.
- I dug this hole; I have to get myself out. If nothing else, I take responsibility for my actions.
- Then why did you even get into this conversation with me?
- Because I wanted to know if you had ever considered any of this.
- No, because I believe in fighting, and trying, and proving everyone else wrong because fuck them. And yeah, sometimes it sucks, especially when you’re in the middle of it, but it has to end sometime.
- Yeah, that’s what I’m saying. I guess we just have different strategies on getting to that end.
- I suppose we do, but I guess I’m willing to believe that things that will get better at some point.
- I wish I was willing to believe the same.
